I went from completely fine for four years to having a very bad mixed episode starting in December of last year. By the end of April, I had attempted suicide twice and ended up hospitalized four times.

Now I am supposedly better. But I seem to have slipped into a sometimes acutely painful, sometimes numb, life-is-not-worth-living depression state that I can't shake out of. Maybe it's because I more thoroughly "lose it" in a mixed state, but I feel this depression as worse as it is sucking out the little brain power and life I had left. I have a job and a life and responsibilities, but the only thing I want to do is sleep. I want something to kill me in my sleep so I don't have to do it myself. I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to go to therapy. I don't know if I will ever get my life back. I am a burden to others around me. I am losing hope that I will truly get better. My patience is gone.

How do you survive this bleakness? How do you survive this disease?