I know exactly how you're feeling. After 9 unsuccessful suicide attempts, I sometimes just pray for a massive heart attack to take me but It really does pass.
You gotta keep up the fight. You have a family that I'm sure loves you very much. Your brain's playing with you.
You have to go to therapy, you have to see your pdoc and you have to take your meds. If you don't you're never going to get out of this hole.

Sounds like you need a med adjustment maybe. This disorder's a b**** I know but we all have keep fighting the fight. Eventually we win.

Life doesn't have to be so bleak. Pick yourself up and fight back.