So after the mania and the crash, depression is setting in and I'm afraid it's going to get comfortable. It hit a few hours ago and I'm afraid.

The crying, the SI all of it. I'm trying to distract myself but nothings working.
I'm alone. Can't tell my kids about what's been going on, they have their own problems and I don't want them involved in the drama of it all.

It doesn't help that the craziness of last weeks mania has hurt someone I care very much about. He wont even speak to me. I've hurt him deeply. I've tried to reach out but he wont reach back. He's just a friend who wants more than I'm able to give but he means the world to me and knowing I've hurt him just kills me.

Talked to my T today. I told her that the events of last week just won't let me go. She told me to try mindfulness. I tried but my mind just wont stay still. I don't even want to do it anyway.

I just replied to a thread, saying that you have to keep up the fight. I know I have to follow my own advice and i'm fighting but It's soooo hard to do.

I know what this depression does to me and I'm scared of where it's going to take me. I've been there so many times before. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. I don't even have enough meds to knock me out tonight. It's gonna be a long one.

I HATE, HATE, HATE THIS ILLNESS!!!