I am so sorry. I know how painful this must be for you.....just came out of a bout with depression myself, and the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that my brain was lying to me. I would just sit there, thinking thoughts of death and destruction, and then remind myself that it was all bull****, my brain was trying to murder me and I was NOT going to allow that.

It's not fun being unable to trust one's own brain, but with us---during mood episodes, anyway---we don't have that luxury. Once we get back to normal (whatever that is), we can make peace with our brains again. I hope you get back to a place where you can trust yours not to betray you. Hold on.