well, i wrote t another email because i realized that while he's pegged that i've got ppd, i've down played it. i realize i do this a lot. things happen, he points it out and i dismiss that it's affected me. or i act like i've got it handled.

what's funny is that i don't even realize that i'm doing it until later. it's like habit.

i had some slight failure to thrive issues with my baby. i can't even express the level of distress this caused me and i wasn't seeing my t at the time really. he brought it up as he heard it from my pdoc not me. i was like 'yeah, there were some issues, but we have it figured out.' and i dropped it. i never told him about the guilt. the shame. the fear. i may have given him a brief overview but we literally spent less than ten minutes in one session on it.

on top of that i had a traumatic birth which i did talk about and did work through but then add the above and i've spent the last year feeling like i've failed as a mother. like how did i not know my baby was having trouble? what a sh***y mom i am.

worse, i'm struggling even a year later with feeling connected to any of my children. like i want them to all go away and i realize my suicidal ideation was that i wanted to get away from them. i live for when i can get away to group and therapy because i'm gone for hours and they're asleep when i get home (even tho i don't want to come home at all).

and i realized i never talked about any of this to my t. i've made hints, overtures, but i've never said, 'this is what's going on.'

so i wrote him a long email last night when i had trouble sleeping outlining what was going on, admitting i was a mess inside (not that i don't think he didn't notice) and admitting that i was insecure that he was going to drop me as a client even tho there's no evidence of that.

i feel much better after that email which is funny because i hardly ever feel good after an email. i feel lame. instead i feel unburdened, like i said the things that needed to say.

i wish i was more connected to myself. that i could realize what i was doing in the moment instead of months later. ugh. i am such a mess