No, I wouldn't flame you at all . I am glad you got lucky enough to find love the first time around, and stay married for over 30 years now. Well done, I envy and admire you quite a bit.

I agree with that too, I definitely cannot read her mind for sure. But, I think all the indications were there. She never displayed those signs that a girl would display if she were interested in you (which I only discovered afterwards and which I soooo wish I had known in high-school . When I read about these "signs" I was like DAMN!! that chick X used to do that, and that chick Y used to do another one, and DAMN!!! Z, that oh so popular and so hot Z, used to do ALL OF THESE whenever she saw me!!! But, I guess it's too late for tears now, right? Anyway, it was always just going to be about sex with them so I'm actually glad it never happened). The thing is, before she knew me personally, she was in the same class as I was and she was one of those girls that used to smile at me, but I'm sure that doesn't mean much more than just that. She probably finds me just a little attractive, not totally unattractive, but not enough to take it further than a smile. In the following year our class shrinked quite a lot and we were in the same sub-class (or stream I should say, only 5 of us) so things were a lot more personal, we had to do more oral presentations, etc. so the 5 of us grew close and she and I got to know each other well. She used to say that she admired the way I did my presentations with so much confidence. And, then one day she had to do one and I saw why she said that. She totally freaked out, she had a massive public-speaking problem and the poor girl was shaking like a leaf. Her nose was glued to her speech and she read the whole thing at the speed of like 1000 words per minute! I felt so sorry for her and then I began to feel like a jerk since I did the whole thing like I was casually talking to my friends (OK, which I was doing) with no papers at all.

You see, that's the problem, I realized it years later. People just didn't like me. Actions speak louder than words. I really am not saying this to boast or anything, but I was pretty smart at university, and I was also the guy that used to score high on the tests and answer the professor's in-class questions. It was so natural for me, but it makes you look like a smart-***, and nobody likes a smart-***. I began to realize it back then already and did an "experiment". I kept quiet, but, all that happened is nobody then answered and the professor used to get angry. In my mind I thought, dammit, I should rather have answered because I did know it. I can't help I'm like this. It's a trait of my condition. Call it narcissistic or whatever, but I hate to be put in the same "box" with other people if it really doesn't apply to me. Why should I fail just to fit in with all others that failed, when I clearly had the knowledge to succeed? I think this is what has happened. She, along with my other classmates slowly began resenting me more and more each day.

It's so clear to see when people feel this way about you, I have over 20 years experience . I think it challenges people in a way that they don't want to be challenged, because it's so unusual for such a quiet, lonely, seemingly asocial guy, to suddenly shine and be so confident when in the class environment. I think 99% of the time people just don't know what to make of me.

To summarize, I don't think she hated me, but she didn't like me, I don't think. She is OK with just knowing me as an acquaintance.

I guess I could do that, although I think all women to some degree are attracted to cocky-funny, I think she has a reasonable penchant for it too, otherwise she would never have dated that other guy in our class, who defines the term cocky-funny in my opinion. I think it's an age thing. I think young girls are prone to this, and as they grow older they see that these men lack substance and character for long term relationships.

I doubt she would ever see it as I'm sure she won't use the PsychCentral site ever in her life But, on a personal note, do you think that was cool?

Yeah, we never dated . I just loved her in secret . It was only after everyone split up (end of class) that I contacted her again.

I guess I'm different that way then too, to most other people my age . I like writing though.

Yeah, I don't think I can blame him, I kind of went there to see if there was a "label" first of all, as I was tired of making my own theories up as to why my life was such a mess. I don't think this department where he was actually goes ahead with giving you "treatment" other than referring you. I think they do small-scale CBT, but I see straight through that . I once told him his "scoring system" was wrong (asked him if he had never heard of "negative numbers" LOL) and he said he actually agrees, but if I have the balls to take it up with the people that write the DSM, then I should definitely do so! So, to me that system no longer "tricked" me because I realized... wait I don't want to ruin it for anyone else too, especially if it works for them.

Thanks so much, it definitely does. I've been doing a bit more research on PsychCentral and I've been looking at Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Maybe I'm just a nasty, self-centred person after all that has some sort of feeling of "entitlement" that I don't deserve to be alone. I've learnt that nobody really deserves anything in life, you get whatever gets given to you and whatever you choose to pursue yourself, nothing is ever a "given" as such. I personally don't believe a common statement made by many today that says "nobody deserves to be alone" or "everyone deserves love/to have someone in their life". I don't think that is necessarily a given.