Thanks very much for the reply and support. I guess I idealize her a little bit, but I really did fall in love with the real her. I met her long before I was in love with her, I slowly fell more and more in love with her over about a two-year period (sorry, I think my very first post was inaccurate, I actually met her a year before enrolling for the second degree). At first, I didn't actually think that much of her, can you believe it?!?! She was cute, yeah, but there were prettier girls (there always are). But, that was before I knew her. I would say I am actually 80% in love with her personality and only about 20% with her looks. Don't get me wrong though, she is very sexy and very beautiful (in the eye of the beholder I guess ), but I think it's because her personality has the capacity to enhance her physical beauty very much somehow, it just suites her so very well. It's so hard to explain, but what I think I'm trying to say is, the more I got to know her, the more sexy and beautiful she became too, or maybe she just became sexier with age and really started blossoming in her 20's , I don't know. I understand what you mean, that perhaps I have painted a greater picture of her in my mind than what is true. I wouldn't say I quite did that (a little bit maybe, but I guess that's understandable since I love her, I am a little subjective), she wasn't perfect. She was quite a compulsive smoker for example, she used to turn every mid-class break into a smoke break, and the fact she dated that slack, loafer guy in our class did have me thinking sometimes "What were you thinking with that guy?" and made me question her "choice" in men, but it's wrong of me to judge, I can't say that guy is a "bad choice", no matter who or what he is. But, when you love someone you love them despite all these things. The best way I can describe her is normal on the outside, bit shy, but great personality which comes out over time. That's why I feel it was more than just being "in love" it was more serious. It was way more mature than any other crushes or feelings I had in high-school.

I guess so, but I've got additional problems (autism/Asperger's) which makes it a little harder for me. Meeting people is not easy for me, initiating conversation even less so, and finally entering a relationship almost impossible. I've been single all my life, and I've had no real friends. I think one can say I don't start the race from the grid with the other guys, I start last, in the pit lane and then I've got to work my way into the race from there.

When you've got depression, you can do the most out-of-character things. I even surprised myself with that one, frankly. But, it's because I no longer cared. However, I have to be honest though, before doing that I had never even been hugged by a girl before, or touched whatsoever, so that's actually why I ended up doing that. That's actually all I wanted, but I eventually wanted to feel sex too probably, I suppose, I don't know. Of course, you pay for "full service", and she and I were both naked after the massage anyway, so.... But, for me, sex itself actually sucks big time. The actual act hardly feels like anything great, despite all the hype on TV and everywhere. I admit, I like foreplay, and kissing and all that probably a 100 times more, it's a lot more fun. I regret breaking my virginity when I did, I actually, come to think of it, wouldn't mind being a 40-year old virgin, if I knew it was so boring. I wish I could've told that Elliot Rodger's guy how much it actually sucks, and how pointless it actually is to obsess about it so much. Maybe he would've thought twice about his killing spree and suicide if he did what I did...I don't know. Maybe a couple of nights in Las Vegas would've cured him .

I think what ultimately has happened is I have "grown up" sexually now. Ever since doing this, I actually don't fantasize so much about women anymore, not as much as when you are a teenager say (or a virgin). When you're a teen you imagine girls to be soooooo amazing under their clothes, like heaven, but once you've been there for real, and seen it for real (not on you computer screen LOL), it's a little bit of a let down if we're really honest. I think there's too much hype that pu$$y is the greatest thing on earth for any guy, I don't really agree. I think the media hype out there that is associated with sex is rather unjustified really, the whole thing about female orgasms and man's male organ size, etc. too. I think they use these things more as a marketing tool than anything else nowadays. It's always about money somehow. Essentially the media are also prostitutes because they use sex to make money too Bet they won't ever admit that!

I know I'm only half your age (a youngster), but I would say please don't go down the route I did. I was not brave I was stupid. It desensitizes you to sex. I would rather 100 times more now search for a loving partner and make love, rather than have arranged sex. Without that bond, sex really sucks, it sucked for me right from the beginning, and I'm convinced it's the love that's missing. But, you quickly become addicted because it's easy to get, and there's no hangover or overdose or drop afterwards. I mean, OK, the sex sucks, but the foreplay and stuff is still good, and anything involving someone else will always be better than going it alone in your room.

I would almost say, visiting prostitutes for long enough can turn a guy into a misogynist (woman hater), which could have dangerous consequences. That's why I quit, as hard as it may be (haha), and it's actually quite a waste of money when you begin to think about it.

It is a bit of an issue for me though, I'm not one to do things like this, it's totally out of character for me, and I now regret it rather a lot. It's like you say too, there always still exists that possibility of me still meeting someone and then how do I tell them about my "history". I've never had a girlfriend but somehow I've had a lot of sex, that doesn't sound good in any sense.

Uhmm...truthfully, I did quite a bit of research on the condition and I must say, the diagnosis is pretty spot on, unfortunately. But, the criteria are wide in scope, and many people who are "on the spectrum" are just that, they lie in a different place to a fellow-sufferer (or a different degree of "functioning" in psycho-babble). It's a continuum between "nearly normal" and "out of the game completely". I'm somewhere in the middle.

But, I do think I'm showing some narcissistic traits too. I have researched NPD (narc. personality dis.) recently. I fear the psych's may have missed this, because it's not exactly trying to be found . I do have this in my family, on my dad's side, my grandma was pretty tough to deal with as a person.

Yeah, I guess. It is hard though. It is also so easy to compare new girls I meet (when I ever do) to her as well, it comes naturally. That is something I'll have to work on, because everyone is special in their own way. Also it's hard fathoming that feeling I have for her in terms of another girl, in other words, it's almost like she defines what my love for a girl is. Maybe my love for her was conditional in nature (I loved her because of her personality, looks, hair, smile, etc.) and only when you can love unconditionally maybe you are free of that. But, then again, I wouldn't have thought that loving a partner is unconditional love, that's normally something we have for our family/parents/children isn't it? We CHOOSE our partner, automatically implying that person had attributes others didn't. I don't know.

I got tired of it, I was doing it more and more each day, and it was making my frustrations worse (and giving me tennis elbow, LOL). It wasn't taking my mind off sex, it was actually beginning to frustrate me and remind me that I don't have a girlfriend. I can't imagine what a neurotic mess I would've been by now already. But, I still regret losing my virginity that way, but I couldn't find another. Stuff like online dating, and all that, just doesn't work. I genuinely did try, for months nobody answered. One girl kept my phone number and then contacted me the other day (2 years later!), long after I was off of it already. We chatted, but just didn't click, she's totally the opposite of my first love.

Thanks so much. I really hope so, but if that is to be found in a relationship now anymore, I don't know. A lot has changed. The prostitutes had a lot to do with it. I don't know if I would marry my first love anymore, even if she did appear on my doorstep tomorrow (I wish ). It's just so unclear now, I don't know what I want. It's almost like a life alone doesn't seem so bad after all, I don't know. The only thing that was so great was that feeling I had when I thought about her or saw her. But a relationship today is so much more than feelings, it's about money, building a home, building a family. I don't know if I want all of that, because it doesn't sound all that great to me (I don't know why . I think I've become desensitized to happiness). Geez, I'm so stuck.