Hello again, ifst5. And thanks again. I just saw the 'thanks' button for the first time and clicked it, for what it's worth.

It's interesting all you say about treatment in the UK. I've approached my gp (different gps on each occasion) on a few different occasions over the years. Once following the sudden and unexpected breakup of a 'serious' relationship, a couple of times due to bereavement, and once or twice due to feeling depressed. On no occasion was the gp inclined to refer me and I took that as meaning I wasn't 'bad' enough. On one occasion I specifically asked for referral and was told I would have to be assessed separately as to whether I could be referred. Then that assessment was messed up and didn't happen and I didn't pursue it.

As a result, I personally sought out counselling on the two occasions of bereavement. And completed the set number of sessions. On another occasion I began seeing a therapist I found on the 'official' list of registered therapists but only went 2-3 times as I didn't find I could talk to her and she seemed at a loss as to why I was there. On another occasion I saw a therapist because a girlfriend encouraged me to, again, wrong person.

The two bereavement counsellors were the best and really helped me deal with the issues of bereavement. One suggested I try longer term psychiatric counselling, due to what I said about my parents and childhood. The cost was prohibitive, though. And the commitment extensive.

To be honest, I never decided what I needed or who I needed to see. Or, indeed, if I was just a 'mental hypochondriac'. By which I mean that, between the catholic faith and my parents upbringing, I go around with a sense of guilt, inadequacy, and the sense that if anything goes wrong it's probably my fault. I don't have 'anger' issues, and I'm not sure I have abandonment issues, although I did when I was younger - doesn't everyone, when they are younger? So maybe you're right about BPD not being the right label for me.

I could probably do without being around unbalanced people all the time. But that seems to have been my life. I guess from that I assume I must have some unhealthy 'need' too, otherwise I wouldn't have had so much contact with obviously troubled people.

I've worked in the arts much of my adult life, being an art school graduate, and if you've ever worked with 'creatives' and artists then you'll know what I mean. It's where having some kind of skewed sensibility can be an asset. Or a career maker! I worked in theatre for a while and you can times that by ten.

The problem is that I've got to the point where, perhaps, my particular mix of attributes isn't serving me well, and hasn't for some time now. I'm stagnant in many aspects of my life and for a variety of reasons, not all of which I control, I am now rather isolated and of the very few people I am in contact with, regularly, is someone who definitely has BPD. So while I question myself on my own behalf, she will blast me with all kinds of stuff which I hadn't even seen coming, which kind of adds to my uncertainty. And the whole guilt, insecurity and inadequacy thing from my childhood steps back in the ring.

I'm not entirely sure that's something to seek psychiatric help for, or I should simply make a change in my life. But then I read that people with BPD make sudden changes and leave and etc and I think, ok, I have to deal with the problems rather than run/walk away from them. I just don't know how to do that - as a single, never married man who has worked in the creative field all my life, I only know the 'creative/artist's way and that tends to be a way which psychiatrists give a name to. Hence, on the one hand I want the help that a psych/counsellor may be able to provide, but on the other hand, if things were going well for me right now I might not. Maybe that's normal?

And sorry, I'm curious why you say I don't strike you as being BPD? I don't think so too, really. I've known too many and always saw them as distinct from me, but I'm always searching for that thing that's 'wrong with me' (re childhood) so when I took the test and it seemed high I immediately entertained the idea. I'll sit with it for a while, in any case, it helps to try and wear different hats, regardless.