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Originally Posted by Rohag
The moralistic aspect of my depression is different from yours. I struggle justifying my existence now that mental illness has incapacitated me.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohag
Does being from "Cowtown Central" have anything to do with it?
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Not my current Cowtown Central, which has more to do with finding a decent therapist. But both parents were of stock from a midwestern Hick Hub of the Universe, and practiced all the expected greatest-generation virtues. I haven't survived a Great Depression; I haven't fought in and won a world war; I've never owned a house or a brand-new car free and clear; I haven't put two kids through college on a single middle-class income; and I certainly didn't survive a disease I was was told would keep me wheelchair-bound from childhood on, then not only walk, but run a
perfect house in spite of it. As a character in Garrison Keillor's
Lake Wobegon Days addresses his parents' raising of him in my home state:
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You instilled in me a paralyzing nostalgia for a time before I was born, a time when men were men and women were saintly, and children were obedient, industrious, asked no luxuries, entertained themselves, and knew right from wrong. I, on the other hand, was a symptom of everything going to hell in a handbasket. I was left to wonder why I had bothered to be born.
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They were as gods to me, and ran the house with that kind of iron discipline, setting me up for abysmal self-esteem before teachers, bosses, and especially Ayn Rand and her characters in
Atlas Shrugged. There was no way I could EVER measure up to them. Then, through it all, they wondered why I wasn't happy and were obsessed with getting me to
act that way. Only odd thing is, they weren't religious.
ETA: I guess the summary is that I somehow picked up the notion that I can never truly
deserve to be happy. In fact, I regularly flame myself with reminders like these to keep myself in line, fearing that I am, in fact, as bad as implied:
(1) "YOU'RE NOT HERE TO BE HAPPY; YOU'RE HERE TO BE
GOOD! VIRTUE
HURTS! YOU AIN'T CRYIN', YOU AIN'T TRYIN'!"
(2) Cue childhood music in minor key:
"If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!
If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!
If you're happy and you know it,
Well, then, morally you blow it!
If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!"
(Mods: Sorry if this is triggering; please feel free to add icon if need be. Thanks.)