So all of this is so me to a tee...but I haven't been diagnosed...kind of diagnosed myself and although it scares the crap out of me...when my husband says things like "you are sick" "you have BPD", etc...I get so enraged...I don't wanna be sick. I don't wanna have a mental illness....I just wanna be normal. I want to be able to control all the negative things that go on in my head. Its like there are 2 of me and I have no control of either. And as hard as I try...I fail, at least that's what my husband inadvertently, indirectly tells me, well I tell myself that too. I fight these feelings and emotions and thoughts...and somethings I succeed with my verbals words...but I still lose the battle.

My husband and I have been married 2 months and I have left him 3 times. I physically assault him regularly. (Now here is the justification for my assault, he is huge (Marine fit guy) and I am less than 100 lbs. I couldn't hurt him if I try, but I go into these uncontrollable rages over nothing, I mean nothing...and then the fight is on...and then I call the police and I beg them not to arrest him and then we make up and then we are great for a few days until I open my mouth again. And all he wants for me is to get better...and all I want from him is for him to shut up and quit telling me how I should be and what his opinion is and how wrong I am...oh my goodness I could go on for days....btw...he is a great man, he trys to be supportive and he loves me like no other ( I don't mean to sound so critical of him because he is so, so good to me.)

Anyways, I just want to fix me and I don't know how.