Dear James.... I don't know why that happened. I meant Dr KING!!! I was referring to DR KING not Dr L. You must have thought I'd fallen off my rocker!!! What was that fraudian or yungian?? Or just stupid me? I just reready my post and saw the mistake. I can't believe I did that. So sorry. I was referring to something you said to me on my blog about Dr. King kicking you in the butt now and then... eeks what a boob I am!! I was wondering why you brought Dr L up at the end of your post like that. When I went back to read my post I understood. So sorry.

I'm so impressed that you still followed through with the list even though I must have enraged you with my foo-paw... how do you spell that anyways? It was a great list by the way. As I read it I could feel this smile starting to form on my mouth... by the time I finished it was spread ear to ear. Way to go.

As for your goals... they sound just right for where you are at right now. Shows you have hope and hope is good medicine. I know for me it was as easy as walking into our small mental health centre in a state of anxiety breakdown to get a session with a counsellor right on the spot. I had followup sessions for the next 3 days and then weekly and now I go as needed. Usually at least once every couple of weeks. Had I not been in crisis when I first walked in I'd have probably had to wait no more than a day or two. I don't get why the mental health office in your area doesn't work the same way. I did have to wait a couple of months to see a pdoc but you've been waiting a lot longer than that.

It just seems that Ontario is messed up with its health care in every way. I was listening to the news last night. They were talking about the mental health needs on the Armed Forces bases. It seems the shortages of mental health support to returning service personnel and thier families is especially bad at Petawwa (sp?). Seems to be at almost crisis levels there compared to Edmonton and a base in Nova Scotia. Everything you ever hear about Ontario social services suggests its the worst in the whole country. Your situation certainly reinforces that perception.

Well my friend... thanks for you list. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. I appreciate you and your determination to survive. I have to believe it will pay off and a new pdoc is on his/her way to you.

As for me... I'm a little off today. I have to travel to the city on Monday for that job interview. Didn't sleep well last night. I didn't want to take my meds but I did. Can't afford to change my course right now with this interview coming up. Been feeling 'hung over' the last few mornings or so and its made it hard for me to work. I'm getting behind in my work again. I hate that. Deadlines are suddening creeping up to my door. I have a horrible headache today and no energy to do anything but lay around on the sofa and watch mindless tv. I hope I feel better before Monday. I so don't want to do this. What if I have an anxiety attack like the last time. She told me I'd be asked to do some kind of on the spot writing or presentation. Just the kind of trigger for anxiety that I hate.

I'm going to drive to the train about an hour away so that I don't have to fight the worst of the rush hour traffic. That should help to keep one trigger for anxiety at bay.... traffic and parking hastles. I'm going to push myself out to the garden today even though my energy is very low. It's always relaxing and good medicine for me to get my hands in the dirt. Lots of lovely early spring blooms for me to enjoy while I move my way around the garden.

I will survive this day... Monday...... I can do anything I put my mind to doing. I can overcome my fears, my doubts.... even my hesitations. I will not let myself get futher down. I will not let myself fall victim to anxiety. Positive affirmations.... Small goals.... determined steps... hoping they can calm my mixed up head.... hoping... praying... that's all I can do so that is what I must do... faith Creator will help me take the steps that I don't 'want' to take.

Eeks... I need to get out of here. I need to get moving somehow. Feels like I'm back pushing myself to make those baby steps again. I did it before I guess somehow I can do it again. That's the kicker... again and again.

Take care... I'll catch you again somewhere. Hopefully I'll be in a better place by then. Again... sorry about the name kafuffle in my last post to you.