Usually my mixed episodes are different than right now. Usually I'm still flying high, super confident, sexual, hemorrhaging money, but extremely irritable, angry, and anxious. Wikipedia describes it as "dysphoric mania".

But right now I think it's more accurately described as "agitated depression". My confidence isn't super low like it usually is when depressed, but I've been having depressive features such as flat affect, anxiety, and very strong suicidal ideation, but at the same time I'm writing tons of poetry, not sleeping, and my speech is a little rapid and tangential one moment, flat affect the next. I went to a play rehearsal and felt completely disconnected from reality for most of it. I hope people couldn't tell, I tried so hard to act normal but I felt like I was on a different plane of existence. I felt paranoid the whole time, like people were looking at me weird.

The only thing I'm worried about is the suicidal ideation. I'm not generally impulsive about suicide at least, but I am more impulsive than usual in mixed states. I get them rarely. I just feel so weird.