So my T canceled our Wednesday appointment. I sent her this email since I wouldn't get to see her. Sorry it's kinda long...(I cut some of it out):

I have yet to feel any major change as a result of the vitamins and thyroid medication, but I've read that it can take some time for all that to kick in so I'm still holding out hope. I saw Dr. Lee on Monday and while he still has me on the generic effexor he has added something called Deplin. I think it's only 15mg. He didn't like the fact that my mood has been trending downwards and I've been having passive suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it will really help though as it's more of a supplement then a medication. It has a lot to do with folic acid or something. But from what I understand it doesn't help unless you have a deficiency in it so we'll see about that.

I've been having this internal debate on how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to decide if I'm being lazy or not. I haven't packed anything for the move yet and while I still have time, August 13 will be here soon. I try to convince myself to do at least one box after work, but I'm so worn out it almost seems impossible. But it's because I know it's not JUST packing a box, there's a lot of stuff that we just threw in a box on the way out of the Mountcastle house that I haven't gone through yet and I have to weed out all the stuff that I don't need. It all seems like so much. Dad has told me that he's coming over next Saturday to help me pack but I REALLY do not want him to do that. He has a way of making me feel like I can't take care of myself and that I'm a slob. Like I'm helpless and I hate feeling that way. And maybe I am a little helpless right now but I don't need his help to feel that way. I already feel that way without anyones help. I don't want to use the fact that I have depression as a crutch. And it's funny because you would think that me thinking that would be enough to make me want to do more. But I can't make myself do more. I feel like I've reached my limit now. I don't know how to fix that. I almost want to tell Dr. Lee to just stop prescribing other medication because it's something that I have to fix that no amount of medication can fix

I'm just all sorts of f'd up.

She responded pretty quickly but only made me feel worse. Here is what she replied with:

Ok, I wouldn't write off medication altogether. Sometimes it take a while to find a combination that is effective and Dr. Lee knows what he is doing. I am not surprised you haven't felt a major change with the vitamins and thyroid med; I think it usually takes a while to feel the effects.

As for the packing, I think having a plan to do one box a day is good. Maybe you need to do it earlier in the day when you are not so exhausted. If you don't want your father to come help, you may need to tell him that and let him know that if you end up needing help you will ask for it.

I know you are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and I am sorry. I do think that it might be helpful to focus on the positives. The fact that your tests have mostly come back normal is actually a good thing. You have people in your life who care deeply for you. An awesome dog who loves you unconditionally and a job with possible upward mobility.

In terms if therapy options. We could discuss referral to the DBT program. It would mean more intensive treatment including a group and phone coaching. I can talk to the team to see if they think it would be appropriate. Any therapy changes that we make though would require action. You will have to do more. I know you feel tapped out AND there is still work to be done. The DBT is all about learning coping skills and learning to both be willing to change AND accept the things that may be changeable right now. Willingness is key. Willingness to try even though there is a part of you that doesn't think it will work. Even though there is a part of you that just doesn't want to have to do it because its doesn't seem fair (that's the acceptance piece). I want you to consider where you are in terms of readiness and willingness.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this is helpful. I hope so. I wish this were not so hard. It doesn't seem fair that some people have to do so much more to manage emotions and that doesn't change the fact that it is. There are options that are effective. I am ready to get to work if you are.

Feel free to contact me if need to. Hang in there and let me know where you are on a 1-10 scale for readiness for change and willingness to take action (before our next appointment). I need to make a plan.

I feel like in being hard to deal with. And now it just sounds like she doesn't know what to do with me. Like she's ready to give up? Am I reading to much into what she's saying ?