(( to all of you )) who responded to my 'wish my session ws today' post! Your support means so much to me!

Friday finally came! It was a nice sesson. She had a cold but still showed up! My last T cancelled for a month straight, each time the morning of the session...

I love how accepting she is. It's like she soaks up the things that weigh heavily on me. It's nice to be able to shed burdens, lighten the load, by just sharing them with her. Having her listen, with interest, and validate and explore things further feels like caring to me and I don't want the session to end.

We talked a lot about how I called and left a message on the answering machine but didn't call the 'emergency' number. That I just wanted to talk to her for a minute, to feel grounded and to calm down. It wasn't until after, on the long bus ride home (yes, I'm whining.. lol.. takes me 3 hours to get home.. but it is good thinking time as long as there are no loud obnoxious peeps on the bus.. when there are, then it seems like 5 hours!).. anyway, on the ride home I was thinking more about it and I realized that it is the separation that causes me to 'fall apart'. It's just separation. I thought of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron's writings/teachings I like to read and how she encourages looking right at something and not avoiding it. So when I was looking right at the falling apart, how it starts, what I feel.. I realized that it's separation .. and all that goes with it--loneliness, fear of loneliness, wanting to be taken care of (in spite of the fact that when I have that thought.. I actually am in the midst of taking care of myself! lol), afraid of loss including abandonment, etc. So many layers to the onion, huh?

Pema Chodron also talks about celebrating impermanence; that's a new one for me...I strive to clutch on and hold on for dear life. What a struggle Wednseday was for me and I thought, yeah...there ya go...let's celebrate that every day is not like that, hooray for impermanence!

I will call her emergency number next time. That's just my decision, not anything we specifically discussed and/or agreed on. I just see an acceptance there and she told me before that if it were to become too frequent, then it can be talked about. What we talked about regarding calling the emergency number was my feeling undeserving of reaching out, and my fears of saying or doing the wrong thing(s), being boring, being inarticulate, and that she'd ditch me. So then of course we talked about abandonment, the last T, and other abandonment stuff, including a previous T's abandonment which was part of a dream we'd been analyzing. A few years ago this T that I had been seeing for a couple of years suddenly was "no longer with the agency" . He'd been arrested for having a relationship with his client. I showed up for my scheduled appointment and they said "Oh, he's no longer here." They had to repeat it several times.. I guess I was hearing it, but I was in such shock! "We assigned you to Charlie. Didn't you get our letter?" Uh, no.. does it appear that I did?! And, btw, who the F is Charlie?! To make matters worse when I was not seeming to comprehend what he was saying, and knowing I am hard of hearing, the guy behind the sliding window cupped is hands over his mouth and shouted it the last time and I was so emabarrassed!!

Anyway, it's fun and interesting the associations that we make and I like how she ties things together.

Oh.. and.. she said she thinks I articulate very well and likes my associations!!

I told her about my fantasy of going in there and just laying on the couch and sleeping (smiling to myself as I'm typing). She let that sit a minute, smiling warmly, encouragingly.. then asked the question I knew was coming: "And how would that feel to you?". see the above..lol.. it would feel not lonely, taken care of, etc. She said "It would be like when mother and child are one". ... sigh.. yeah... God I love her.

I took my new book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and she was excited. She's heard of it and wanted to get it. She said we'll talk about the book next time. I'm hoping she will get a copy and we'll talk a lot about it. If not, it's a really helpful book for me; there is so much there I can relate to.

Didn't want the session to end, of course, but am feeling good and looking forward to next week. Just knowing she's there, in person and by phone if necessary, is such comfort!