Quote:
Originally Posted by Clementine K
I would wait too.
What I’ve realized is that emailing T was counter-intuitive to what I was trying to accomplish by emailing. I was reaching out for a connection, but didn’t see in the moment that T didn’t have time to keep it up with all clients and viewed it as a nuisance. He never articulated it as such, but when T ignores your emails and mentions cutting back in session, it’s obvious. So in that way, emailing put distance between me and T. I know that everyone’s financial situation is different, but with T1, I got into a habit of picking up the phone and calling him if it was that urgent and compensating him for the call. Similarly, I made an extra appointment if I was having a crisis.
If you need to get stuff off your chest, I can say that writing letters to T, journaling or making artwork has been helpful for me. I bring them to session with me, and can talk about it in the moment. The restraint has made me a more patient, independent person. With T2, she’s never mentioned emailing so hasn’t been an issue yet.
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Thank you. Your situation was interesting, in that your emailing put distance between you and your T because he didn't want to do it. My T has always told me that she doesn't want to do therapy via email. In the beginning, she said it was fine to email her if it helped me to unburden myself. Now, after 4 years, she wants me to be able to keep the connection with her, without needing the contact. I've been able to do that for a while, but not always.
Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
I agree to wait. Even if you tell yourself that you only have to do it this week only. It's less overwhelming than "never".
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Thanks. I decided I could manage, but I feel so sad because it seems like I'm having to "give up my T". I know she's there, and that she cares a lot about me, but I'm disappointed. I have to accept reality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NowhereUSA
in dbt there's urge surfing. just sitting with your need and waiting for it to pass. you may have to do it multiple times but the desire will pass.
i do agree that it's a good idea to wait. i'm sorry it's so rough.
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I took DBT for almost 3 cycles but we never learned about urge surfing. Thank you for telling me about it. I know I've been told to "sit with my feelings" by many Ts and probably in DBT too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by InRealLife45
screw emailing our T's, let's email each other instead! lol.
I feel you on the being angry, though. My T is being silly about e-mails too. I thought paying for them would simplify things but it hasn't.
why have you reduced your therapy frequency? bi weekly sounds painful...
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Thank you. I don't have insurance to pay any more, and my T is giving me a reduced rate so I can still see her. I'm goin to send you a PM.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonlitsky
In my mind and heart I know that the only way to independence is to be able to depend. It can't be done any other way. Have you never been able to truly depend on anyone/therapist without feeling you are bring forced into self sufficiency? Because that's how it feels to me. Self sufficiency is different to independence because it comes from not being able to depend as needed or for long enough, allowing us eventually to be able to separate and become independent in our own time. It can't be forced by less contact or tightening of boundaries. In my experience that just causes desperation and an inability to separate. I wonder about your therapist's struggle with her own dependency needs and whether you are caught up in something that isn't your fault. Your needs are ok and it feels she is afraid to allow you to do the work needed to heal. 4 years with a therapist isn't long enough to work it through because it's so deep and painful. It feels you have been left dependent and confused and not knowing what to do? It could be you just haven't had the time to rework something.
I know this from being a therapist and from experiencing it as a patient. It's very painful I know. I may be wrong but something feels unfinished.
Please don't see this as criticism of your therapist. It isn't. I'm sure she is doing her very best. You both are. It's just something I feel when I read your posts.
With support
Moon  |
Thank you, Moon. I'm not sure if I've been able to depend on anyone enough, or not. I depended on my mother until she got sick and died. I depend on my H. I've depended on my current T for more than 4 years. I have continued to email her because it helped me, and I kept telling her that. But, at my last session, I said the 2 week intervals are hard for me, and she suggested NOT emailing as a possible solution. I think about her too much. I have a secure attachment. I don't know if you read my posts about her holding my hand again. That is helping me feel attached to her during the 2 weeks. At least it was, for a couple of months. I thought it was magic. It makes me feel calm in the session, and it has enabled me to feel the connection.
I wish I knew what, if anything, I need to rework. None of my Ts could help me completely with the attachment issues. I don't know why not. Holding my T's hand is the closest I've come to satisfaction that makes me feel safe and able to hold onto something I've always needed. Maybe 5 minutes at the end of last session wasn't enough. The realization of what the T relationship is, hurts a lot. I know my T is trying her very best with me, better than the other Ts. I appreciate your observations, Moon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustShakey
I'm with Moon on this one. There are definitely two sides to it. I'm struggling with being able to depend. My T encourages me to contact him whenever I need to, but I rarely do, and only if I have a scheduling problem. I would like to, but I'd have no idea what to say and I'd feel silly. I mentioned something about being upset last time I messaged over a scheduling thing and felt like a right n00b for it. Yeah, I haz a long way to go.
I'm afraid though, if I let myself depend on him, email him when I'm upset etc., that he'll pull something like this...
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For 4 years I've depended on my T to be there when I need her. I've rarely called her, but when I do, she responds. When I email her about something serious, she "breaks" the rule and responds, like when my daughter was in the hospital. One of my goals for therapy was to be able to "do without therapy", so I know that I have to go through this pain to get to the other side. I can't make my T my whole life, and though it's hard, my T and I have the same goal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
It's good to work through in your journal and great you are deepening a rl friendship through this and you have support through here.
I'm without therapy this summer, my choice, I can book an appointment if I can finagle the copay and sitter. I'd rather not watch cash disappear to my therapy this summer.
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I'm glad you're able to do without therapy. That's really good progress.
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Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid
Hi Rainbow. I just want you to know I am thinking of you. I know how painful this is. Take good care of yourself. This time will pass. Keep strong.  |
Thanks!
Suddenly, today, a health problem came up in my family and I'm more stressed. If I need to, I'll contact T.
