Welcome Wharpedbrain, I, and so many folks here, have experienced the sucky place you are at. It is a lot easier to "believe" things would be better if you ended it all than it is to face the long, sometimes uphill battle we fight everyday. When I'm in that spot, I remember what my girlfriend once told me... If I end this karmic contract with life right now, I have not "learned my lessons" and I will have to come back to this incarnation and do it all over again. The thought of having to go through this missery again is enough of a deterrent to try to stick it out one more day.

Feel free to vent as much as you want. This group helped me so much earlier this year when I was in a similar place to yours.

Good luck!