I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about the friends I've had who have been really close, and then have decided I'm too much to deal with and have disappeared.

I think this happens with bipolar disorder because it is so cyclical. I mean, when someone's sad you want to do something to cheer them up, make them better, and move on.

But with bipolar disorder, even if you get cheered up and move on, it's going to happen again, and again, and again.

My friends watch me on facebook as I post manic poetry at 2 AM and they must be thinking "well there he goes again" and of course, people are going to get tired of it, but that's not my fault. I'm sorry that these people can't just fix me once and be done with it. I feel bad when people do nice things like visit me in the hospital. Once during the run of a play a group of my fellow actors got together and sang me a song during a particularly dark period.

And I feel bad, because I'm sure that every time I go off the rails, these people feel like their beautiful gesture was for absolutely nothing. It's like I'm negating their efforts every time the cycle starts again. It frustrates me, so I'm sure they're very frustrated. That's why they burn out and disappear. Too bad I have to keep living it.

I'm going to try and stop blaming myself, but god it feels lonely.