Hello World,

I know what you mean or how you feel about the cutting. When I cut myself, I watch the blood as well, and in fact, I take pictures of it and I paint pictures of it. It's been some of my best work as an artist. To me this self mutilation is at the least twisted. Almost everyone I know tells me "when you feel like cutting, call me" but I don't want to be talked out of cutting. I just want them to listen to how I'm feeling and not judge me. But they all want to try and fix me, and it doesn't work that way.

The other thing is, I want to express this pain, and I get frustrated when it's not coming through in my artwork, and I tend to be in a dissociative state while painting. And when the work isn't coming out right, I turn the tools on myself because the expression is instantaneously visible. The pain that I feel is clear.

Everyone acts like it's so easy to stop. It just makes things worse. And everyone judges. And that makes it worse too.

seesaw