I am so sorry you have gone through all of this. I wish I could say the right thing to help you feel better about your baby. All I can offer is that I can relate to what you are going through.

My mother died 2 months before I found out I was pregnant with my youngest child. So I was dealing with lots of emotions during the pregnancy. After my baby was born it continued however I just wrote it off as grief and never said anything to my dr. My baby also suffered from failure to thrive. I felt there were issues but the pediatrician kept telling me that he was fine and I was comparing him to his brother and sister. So I believed him. At the age of 9 months my guy weighed 12 pounds (his birth weight was just over 9 pounds). He could not sit up on his own an if you tried to hold him in a sitting position he would cry and wiggle out of it. at his 9 month check up the Dr. was on vacation so we had an NP. That is when things changed. However,to this day (kiddo is now 13) I feel horrible that I didn't stand up when I knew things were wrong. I often wonder if things would have been different had a stood up for him?? Fortunately, he is a happy healthy teen now.