I am stuck and cannot get past the realization that my fiance has cheated on me. My best friend who swore his love and fidelity when he put the ring on my finger only to destroy the trust and promises he made.
I have nightmares and such intrusive thoughts on a daily basis of what he did. I feel ugly, insecure, depressed and I could go on. I compare myself to her and question every detail of our relationship when something is different wondering if that is what he did with her. There are triggers all around and knowing he said and did the same things with her that he said and did with me has nearly destroyed me. What used to make me feel special and loved now is meaningless.
The worst part is how he flaunted it right in front of me not even trying to hide it. Lying about the numerous times he pretended to break it off. It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on and on about how beautiful she was and how she made him feel, comparing me to her. He completely blamed me for the affair saying it was of all the anger he felt towards me because he had to go for help with the issues he was having.
I did break things off with him and that is when he begged me to forgive him and give him a second chance. Reluctantly I did and part of me regrets it and wishes I never even met him. I feel the resentment building everyday.
We are planning on getting married soon and reading through the ceremony just leaves me numb, there are no feelings of love or joy.
I know for my own sanity I need to forgive him because I am starting to despise myself and am becoming very bitter and paranoid. Before this I accepted myself and was a forgiving and easy going person, always believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I had faith and trust in people, now all that has been taken away and I don't like the person I am becoming.
I don't know whether it is even worth trying to continue to fight to salvage what is left and is it even possible to get beyond the depths of the pain I feel. If so how do you do it?