I was once where you are at, ive tried killing myself, ive been that hopeless, ive totally broke down and been hospitalized against my will for it but then... I finally got on meds that worked and found a good therapist and finally started seeing light in my life and my life completely turned around and after 30 years of suffering I wasn't in pain anymore. I finally found my magic wand. I couldn't believe the difference. there is hope.