Thanks everyone, for your replies.

My legs hurt a bit today, nothing a little Advil couldn't fix. I am just thankful T didn't see it happen. I'll probably tell him on Tuesday that I fell, only because it really was hilarious, and I know he'll find it entertaining.

Here is what I have learned about myself today: I have absolutely no ability, whatsoever, to resonate my feelings from a good session, to outside of the session. None. Zero.

My session with T was wonderful yesterday. But that's just what it was-- yesterday. Today I am left with feelings of depression, agitation, and most of all, disconnection. Why am I only able to resonate when I'm with him? I am completely disengaged today, and all I can think about is going back on Tuesday. It's like everything that happened in yesterday's session has disappeared, T has disappeared. In my mind, there is T and there is no T. Where's the middle? The part where I am able to integrate T and no T? To understand that he still exists, and that although I may not be able to see him at this very moment, that there are things I can take away from our sessions together to find comfort and safety. This does not exist. I am not able to think of a good session and embrace feelings of warmth, safety, etc. I tried to channel the feelings of the session and all I could come up with was that maybe one of these days he's going to tell me he's moving away or something.

I hate myself for this.