My mom is unemployed, divorced and very nervous woman. I am their only child. I think I might be a lesbian. I was falling in love with guys, loved them in platonic way for years, but also I had many short relationships with them, and I ended them (the longest one for 6 months, when I was 16/17 years old.)I'm still virgin. Then, in 2012, i fell in love with a girl (we had one "mutual" boyfriend) but when he told me for her I wasn't angry. The moment I saw her I liked her and started thinking about getting close to her. I knew it wasn't my revenge because he liked me more, and it wasn't the first time for me to like a girl. I added her on FB. We chatted for hours, all night long. After about a year of chatting, she told me she loves me, not as a friend. And I was so excited, started smoking and trembling. I was happy, but sad at the same time, for I knew we can never be together; In our country, it would be a shame and disaster - not only for us but for our families. The moment that happened mom saw something was wrong, and I admitted later. My hell began. Couple of days before that confession she started relationship with a guy. Our beggining was so hard, she vacillated, but never left me and we were more and more in love. My mom told my dad for us, so they urged me to finish that. I promised, and I lied. I couldn't So, mom found out, and again told to my dad. I lied again. Lies, lies... I know I'm a bad person but I'm 23, and this is the only thing I lied for, but I couldn't give up on her knowing it was the first special thing in my life. They were selfish leaving me no choice, so was I. Then, in February this year, we kissed for the first time, and we continued later on. She is still with that guy but says she doesn't love him; She told him for me, but he didn't think it's a reason big enough for break up. It started to bother me, but I couldn't ask "me or him" question, for we cannot be together. So, I lied, and lied. My parents invited her over for a conversation. She told them she loves me, and suggested our going away together. They were conditioning me, they or her. I knew I love her badly but I couldn't hurt them. I wanted to have them all.I wanted them to give me some time, for I'm not 13, but 23. I wasn't so brave, so I "finished" with her again, but we found a way to talk. She gave me a present, a little diary, mum found it and now she is completely disapointed in me. I promised again to stop talking to her, but even I cannot believe myself after all these lies. I know I have to, but I miss her, I wouldn't like to lose her. Mom and I quarrel every day, all day, she urges me to find a boyfriend immediately, to go out with anyone because people ask all the time, wondering why I don't have a bf and I'm so "good, preety, smart..." She says she doesn't have a reason to live if I want that girl, and says she will commit a suicide. She has became dependent on sedatives (even before this happened) and she sleeps a lot, when she is awake, we quarrel. I cannot take it anymore. I don't want this life. I cut myself, and try to hide scars to avoid questions, but I really want to die. I don't text girl anymore, but because of that "extortion" I can't be happy or feel good with my mom. It's a vicious circle. If I choose her, I will be sorry for what happened to mom, and if I give up on her, I'd feel so empty for she is the only one I care about since I saw her. The only one. Mom is so hard to please, she always complain that she is lonely, that I go out with friends and not with her; she doesn't want me to visit my dad if they don't talk to each other, and so on. She wants to be the ruler of my life because "I owe her that". Sorry for long letter, but I have to talk to someone. Thanks for reading.