Quote:
Originally Posted by _Mouse
Sitting with the feeling of wanting to do something, but not doing it, is a game of wills. It's not about actually healing.
The problem here is not that you can't email, its that your not getting enough f2f therapy.
Everything else is just heading cats, really.
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Is that a typo? f2f??? Is it supposed to be enough? 20 years of therapy. sigh. I don't know why it's not enough. I had decent Ts. My current T says I had all those years of talk therapy and she does things differently. I think maybe my attachment problem just can NOT be solved so I have to just live with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonlitsky
I wonder if there is a confusion. You say you are securely attached yet speak of an overbearing, over protective mother. Secure attachment and over protective don't go together. I have worked with clients who were clearly loved and cared for but weren't given the ability to self regulate due to having everything done for them. It damages. It leaves the child helpless in many ways. It doesn't install a secure sense of self because there is no space between mother and child to create a sense of boundary between self and other. Something goes wrong in the separation/individuation process. It feels that is your struggle? If you were my client I would be having you in 2 to 3 times weekly and be re working that with you. I can't see how lessening contact is going to help you work through something so deep and fundamental to your well being. It is counterproductive to do that. It just prolongs the agony. I wrote on here once about mothers lap - do you remember? Push the child away and it becomes even more desperate and preoccupied in getting needs met, and less likely to be independent. I have run out of time and can't find the post. Will have to look later. You may want to ponder a little more on this.
Warm wishes
Moon  |
Thank you. I meant that I finally feel securely attached to my T, not my Mom, who died about 30 years ago, by the way. What you wrote about not feeling safe and not knowing how to go out in the world and be an individual is exactly what my problem is! My first T told me that in 1984. My current T, as well as the others, have tried to build up my sense of self, in various ways. It's helped, because I've taken risks and become independent in many ways I never was in the past. Also, yes, I probably was merged with my mother, or enmeshed, or whatever you call it. I've wanted to be that with my Ts, most of them, anyway. I told my current T a few years ago that I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and live in her pouch! She accepted of my fantasies about her, and let me talk about them, but at the same time she has encouraged me to learn to self-soothe, not to use her alone for that purpose. I have friends and family, but I tend to use Ts to be what I never had. That's why holding her hand has been so satisfying to me. It feels safe, a feeling I never felt before.
About lessening contact. My T hasn't emailed me back for a few years now and that's not a problem. So, journaling isn't so different except she's not reading it. I can't do anything about seeing her only every 2 weeks. That IS a problem. If I were determined maybe I'd get a part time job to earn the money to pay her, but there's my H to think about. He's always hated my being in therapy yet he's put up with it. I also don't want a job now; I'm too tired. So, I haven't won the lottery either.
It's not T's choice to reduce sessions. I don't have the insurance she takes anymore. Every 2 weeks is better than nothing, I think. I have to make it work. I want to. She gave me back holding her hand, and says she will NEVER take it away again. I ask her every session and she says I don't have to ask her anymore. That's something safe that she and I will have as long as I see her.
I see what you mean about becoming more needy and less independent when she "pushes the child away." I do feel like she did that last week so I want to talk about it more. On the other hand, I feel a sense of accomplishment that, even though I felt so bad about my session, and have stresses in my life now, I managed to tolerate my longings to tell it all to her, to email. She's in my heart even if I'm not with her. I do know that, even though the connection doesn't feel as strong as other times. I think I'm making progress in spite of having to separate a little when I'm not quite ready. I know I will hold Ts hand and feel that connection again. Part of me wishes I could be in therapy with you, Moon. 2 or 3 times a week sounds wonderful!!! But, it's not meant to be, not in this lifetime, anyway!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive.
I think it would be best to talk to her in person. It would be more helpful to address such complex issues/feelings, plus you’d get ‘real time’ feedback from T.
Have you tried keeping a diary (intended primarily for your eyes only) where you can write it all out? If it helps, you might even address it to T while you write as a means of establishing a connection. Pen and paper writing i mean, as it is more involved and better at helping induce emotional catharsis.
Granted, it is no substitute for the real thing (i.e. T) but it might help with the internalising process. See it as a patch that keeps you going when you can't be with T and/or when you need her.
At any rate, hope your next session with her is more fulfilling, rainbow.
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T suggested journaling and said that the writing does something. I guess that's what she meant, it's a catharsis. Why is that? I wanted to know more about why she said that. I've always kept diaries and journals since I was 8 years old. I stopped doing so much when we got a computer, because writing hurts my hands. But I will try to do it more again. Thanks.