Well...I don't know but I will say I had a huge anger/rage problem for years. Here's some thoughts.

I hear a confusion between feeling anger, expressing anger, and acting out in anger.

What I learned (in therapy years ago) was that anger is an emotion like any other emotion; joy, sadness, loneliness.... We all feel it whether we recognize it or not, as we feel the whole range of emotions because we are human. Anger doesn't have to be acted out. The T had asked me what was appropriate to do when angry. I told him what I had learned growing up: slamming doors, blaming, screaming, hitting, breaking things, etc. He asked how that resolves the issue that creates the anger.... Well..it doesn't.

If I slam the cupboard door or scream at my son because I'm angry that he came home late without calling... it does absolutely nothing to resolve the issue of him not calling when he will be late. Even though it's acting out, it's really a passive behavior because what is needed is talking directly. And it starts with "I feel angry because.. ". It's helpful to not blame, but to just talk about the situation that creates the anger and.. why... it creates the anger. The why is very important. "I feel angry because you came home an hour late last night without calling. When I don't get a call, I worry about you! I am afraid you've been in an accident." etc.

Or "I'm angry that you took all the credit for that project when it was a team effort. I worked hard on that project and I feel I deserve acknowledgement for my part in it too."

Recently when my employer drastically changed our health insurance benefits at work, I was furious. I could fully understand how someone could 'go postal'!! I griped about it to my friends until they were tired of hearing it. "It's a done deal." they said. I couldn't understand how and why they were just "taking it", accepting it. I still don't, really. I know I am powerless in that situation, making me feel frustrated on top of feeling undervalued and uncared for. Although I couldn't change anything, I had to express myself. I expressed my anger in a very polite and professional email to the director of HR, the owner's brother. He met with me, though it was just to try to sell me on the plan and the need for changing to this plan. Nothing changed; I didn't expect it to. But I had my say. I had my anger (still do) but didn't have to act out on it to express it and be heard.

Look right at the anger and see what else is there. What's underneath is what's important, to my way of thinking. That's where the issue to resolve can be lurking if it's not outwardly apparent. Assertiveness training helps too; it helps to practice so you'll feel more comfortable saying that you are angry and why.

It takes practice. Nobody's perfect and it might not work all the time. It gets better gradually, like many things. But it feels good when you are relieved of the need to act out on it.

There is so much to it. Setting and maintaining boudaries, fear of abandonment, fear of retaliation, feeling deserving of the things that anger is a defense of, fear of separateness (that we are each separate and get to feel and think and act for ourselves), wanting to control and/or thinking we can control when we can't.... Lots and lots of layers to explore.

ECHOES