I don't know where to post this so I put it here. If a moderator thinks there's a better place then please move it.

Hi. I'm a 24 year old guy from Cairo, Egypt. I have never been outside of Egypt. I have borderline personality disorder as diagnosed by pychiatrist and I don't know what else I might have undiagnosed.

When I was 15 years old I started self injuring and then my mother took me to psychiatrist. I was going to psychiatrists from 15 to 21 years old. Psychiatrists were abusive. They wrote me so much medicines, up to 9 pills a day and injection once every 2 weeks at one point. Some of them would ask the first thing: "do you have homosexual tendencies?" as if that would be the reason why I am like that, instead of asking about my family and studies and if I have friends. And when the pills put 43 kilograms on top of me (which was a death sentence for me, it was awful. I was just 16 years old and already my back and knees hurt and I can't walk 5 minutes without my body hurting very badly.) and I tell them about it they say: "you eat too much, you sleep too much, you don't move". When I was 21 years old one day I finally gathered to courage to rebel and I said how I really feel about psychiatrists to the psychatrist. He got angry and yelling at me and kicked me out. Then I quit medicine cold turkey and spent a month unable to sleep and hallucinating and having my body just messed up. Then I lost exactly the 43 kilograms in 5 months. Nothing of that was my fault, it was entirely the pills. Now from psychiatry in Egypt I am left with only sagging skin and traumatizing memories.

Of course it looks silly when a 70 or something year old man loses his mind over just some little words I said, it makes no sense. But that's how adults were in general to me. They don't pay attention, they don't do something with me and they don't talk to me. And then at stupid silly little things me as a kid says, they lose their minds and I get hell down over my head. It was this with my parents, sibilings. I can't tell when it is going be okay and when it is not. I can't tell when I'll make people angry or not. Humans don't make sense to me. And I am scared to talk to them or ask help or anything because I don't know who might explode at me. And as a result of that, I grew up saying nothing but the least I need to. I answered everything with "yes/no" and otherwise said nothing. I had no friends and I didn't bother to appraoch people. Both kids and teachers at school abused the hell out of me and I'm very traumatized by it. I'm terrified and scared of humans and I long for someone to hold my hands and take me with them to do something good together. But it is too late for that. As a man I am expected to have a job and wife and children. Nobody is going to bother hugging me and making me feel safe. It is too late for that. I missed the train. I have no social skills and I am terrified of humans. It feels that everybody took their place already and I missed the train. Everybody found a home, friend, found themselves, found a signification other. But I was just alone and too terrified to take part in anything.

My father died when I was 8 years old. They gave birth to me when they were 60 and 50 years old and that is very stupid thing to do. I was born to find dying people who are too tired and too burned by life to have any joy anymore. I have 3 siblings. 1 is 14 years older than me and 2 twins are 9 years older than me. I grew up alone because they were already teengers when I was little and teengers are stupid and edgy. They looked at and treated me like their stupid little clumsy kid brother that they don't wnat to be seen with. For example when I was lonely and bored and was listening to my brother and sister talk, they came and my brother lost his mind and yelled at me for being a "spying dog" (in Arabic, animals are used as insults). They didn't take me places and when I wanted to go with them it was no. When I wanted to talk to them or their friends it was no. They were ashamed to be seen with me. And my father didn't talk, he went and came from work to sleep and then work until he died. My mother was always nervous and angry and made me feel bad and nervous with her voice always yelling about little pointless things over and over. I have trauma from her voice.

I see pictures from my siblings at the beach, before I was born. At parks and at places having fun with my family and laughing. But for me there are no pictures. No even pictures when I was baby. and the pictures they took on the day I was born? The film was burned in error in the printing process. It's as if I am not meant here. and they didn't take me anywhere. Not once I was taken to a beach. We have cities on the sea that people go to in summer, and not once they went after I was born. All kids at school would talk how they went with their parents and I just feel ashamed of mine. I used to lie at school and say my parents took me to England (because I had good English, I was an English genius compared to everybody). It was something to feel proud about. But it was a lie.

My father died when I was 8. Then my mother got years-long depression. Attempted suicide at least twice, and I discovered her one of those times when I was just 12 or something years old. At those years she just always layed in bed and didn't shower for months. I still remember that smell. My siblings were too busy with their stupid teenage ****. I was dealing with that alone. My siblings are also messed up and caused me hell. They had violence and problems too. But I'm too tired to tell more about that.

They lost their money in a big scale scam that happened in Egypt in the 1980's (you can read about it on internet if you search for Al-Rayyan scam in Egypt. It's a big thing here and everybody knows it.) and were broken before I was born.

I am very lonely and I have no friends. I have been here on the computer for years. Yes I go to eat and sometimes I had lectures and went to exams and now I go out to buy things sometimes. But other than that, I am on the computer. My family's relation is broken and nobody bears anyone. And I don't know anybody and I am too terrified of people to approach them. I tried friendships online but they don't work.

I wasn't touched and I don't touch. My family views affection as something shameful. I have not been hugged since I was a child, and I only have very faint memories of it. I need to touch and hug. And worse, I need sex. It isn't something that I choose, it's an instinct out of my control. This all is hell. As a teenger I used to think that I should cut my genitals off as there is no use for them. But I don't think that way anymore. I just miss to badly to touch a human but nobody wants anything to do with me and I am too terrified of anyone.

Then to the other topics. I have graduated with bachelor's degree in the last summer. Then it took months to finish the army papers. We have mandatory army service for graduate males. They didn't take me because of my self-injury scars.

Now I have been looking for a job for months and I find nothing. I sent my CV to all the possible places. And impossble, I sent to jobs unrelated to what I know out of frustration. I just sent it anywhere I could. But I got no response whatsoever.
Here is what it looks like with the personal details cut off: (I wanted to link an image but I am not allowed with less than 10 posts. I will write the contents in text at the bottom of this post)
Of course I have learned all of this on my own. In school there was nothing but people bullying me and giving me hell and I learned nothing from it. I learned my English in my early teens when I used to get whatever English books I find and an English to Arabic dictionary and read them word by word. I also learned from movies, music and video games. All the computer things, I learned on my own. When I was 17 years old I put together my first computer on my own. I looked from the internet which parts would go together and I went and bought them seperately and build to together. Then I learned how to use Windows and I become a "power user" of Windows. Then I got bored and moved to Linux. I learned so much of Linux and programming and computer things.

I have learned Finnish because I love Finland. There is no way to explain it. I heard Finnish songs in 2007 and since then it became a part of me that can't be detached. It is one of the very few joys in life to me to read and listen and hear and write in the Finnish language. It is my goal in life to become a Finnish citizen. But it is impossible for me to move there now and that is another reason for frustration.

But now I am tired. I have studied so much alone, lost, banging my head against the darkness until I found my way with things (the same how I learned Engish, banging at each word one at a time). It is an exhausting process. It brought nothing to me. I can't find a job with my CV. I'm very frustrated that all my effort isn't bringing me anything. I am tired to study anymore. I've been sleeping and crying for days. My eyes hurt and my face hurts and I feel very tired and weak. I haven't been eating enough.

I want to scream for help.
I feel that I am worth nothing because I am born as an Egyptian. The money a European or American spends on drinking in few months would improve my life endlessles. My country doesn't give a ****. only takes and never gives. And that's another long long story I am too tired to discuss. I just feel that as an Egyptian I am worth nothing. My government doesn't want and doesn't care about me, and other governments look at me as a terrorist or someone trying to take abuse of them and have strong laws against me. It is that I am, as an Egyptian citizen, worth nothing, regardless of any merits I have and regardless of how much effort I spent on studying and learning. Nobody cares.
But I feel that I am alone. I feel that nobody can help me. I feel that life working on the principle "I got mine, **** you". That nobody gives a ****. That my sibilings can be right beside me and not want anything to do with me. I haven't spoke with my voice in months. Only when I ask things at the shops is the only use for my voice. Other than that, nobody cares to hear it.

Please help me. I'm so tired and alone. And nobody wants anything to do with me anymore, I can't ask help from anybody.
Please help me.