Thanks for your support everyone. This last episode of memories really upset me. Now I'm even more upset because I talked to my pdoc today and he told me if I don't stop drinking to cope he won't see me anymore. I know he's right and I promised him I wouldn't drink anymore. I know I'm not an alcoholic because I can go months without drinking and don't even care for it that much, but when the psych pain comes up bad enough, I try to smother it with booze. Old habits from my youth die hard. But I'm kind of pissed off at my pdoc now too because he hasn't even given me a proper diagnosis.

My pdoc also told me that maybe I should see a psychologist who can see me more often, because I don't seem to be getting any better with my current T. (Is there a set time limit on this, or what?). I said I can't afford it and even if I could, I'm too dependent on my current T. I feel he understands me better than anyone will and I want to keep working with him. He has helped me a lot even though it may not seem like it sometimes.

I feel so ashamed of myself and want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I'm not even sure I can face my T on Monday I'm so ashamed. They don't realize how painful this is. Who could anyone know unless they've been through it. I guess I'll face the music on Monday. I guess all of this is happening because they DO care about me but I'm still very, very ashamed.