Chocolatelover

I admit to being a bit shocked, (not offended but confused), and a little upset by your referring to Dr. L as having been trying to motivate me. I tried as I might to understand where that was coming from, how you could see his actions in any way motivational (other than to get a negative reaction which I admit he has constantly been doing the past month).

I see now how by changing the reference to be that of Dr. King, it makes much more sense. She constantly manipulated me (with my knowledge more often than not) to try and motivate me to move on, become more, and find more to be. Unfortunately without her, I do not find myself able to muster even a half hearted attempt any longer. No doubt, and maybe this was not healthy, my desire to please her, gain her praise and admiration (dare I say caring and love?) led me to try harder than for any other reason I can think of myself. You have to understand my relationship was very special with Dr. King.

It transcended Doctor patient relationship, it grew to be a platonic perhaps chivalrous love akin to the love a knight of old would have for a woman once met and never to see again. A glorious love, a pure love, with no thought to physical fulfillment or contact. In time of stress, battle, or joust, the knight would dedicate his actions, his deeds, his feats and his victory to his love. She may never have known, or she may have known to some degree, but the love in it's pure sense needed no response.

Such was the power of my relationship with Dr. King. I would jump through hoops to get back to being a patient in her care, if she would have me...however sometimes, in my black mind state, I think I drove her to give up her practice, I was too much of a crazy for even her to deal with.