Finally decided to put my dvds in my locker to remove temptation. Saw my named nurse today (and briefly my psychiatrist... will get to that) and spoke about the week to date as well as adjusting the care plan slightly.

Have come to terms that it is my emotions that are a mess. I've mentioned this somewhere before about how my T believes that due to childhood trauma my emotional maturity is quite stunted and as such I've relied heavily on logic and reasoning to function. The past week has been horrendous but I have confirmed with both my Nurse and psychiatrist that I really do want to get better and that I am trying as hard as I can to follow the care plan set in place to reduce incidents that put me in harms way.

My self harm has radically reduced... my lower arms are healing up but I didn't lie to my nurse and admitted that I have been cutting in a more discreet place but to a much lesser extent. I advised her that to stop the si is something I need to do on my own terms and at my own pace... to take responsibility for it and she said that was a start.

My psychiatrist wanted to speak to me first thing this morning and I knew before going in that he was going to tell me off about wanting to discharge myself earlier in the week. So I cut to the chase before he got the chance... said that I have been struggling with controlling my emotions, that was said and done was under duress, anger and lack of sleep and once I had had time to think retracted my decision. That (as mentioned above) I have come to terms with taking responsibility for my actions and the consequences that go with it and that I know this is the best place for me and am seriously wanting to get better. Will discuss things with him in more detail tomorrow but on the basis of what I told him he seemed happy with it and has put me back on level 3 (escorted walks).

Still getting intrusive thoughts... but I'm trying hard to get my crap together and use the resources available to me when things get rough.