|
Some clinicians tried this on me, because I appeared to be a mystery. They were perplexed because they couldn't make sense of what was going on with me. My ASD symptoms (wanting to be alone, didn't like being touched, easily startled by loud noises, no interest in romantic relationships and difficulties in making friends), depression and all the anger I had towards the bullies at school were thought to be due to PTSD caused by sexual abuse in early childhood. This interpretation was very wrong.
All the clinicians had to do was an autism assessment. They suspected it in 1994, but since I wasn't assessed as a child (I was born in the late 70s when ASD was unheard of) they ignored their own suspicions. It was easier to diagnose me with a PD and tell me I was sexually abused. It was convenient but detrimental to my emotional well-being.
This mess happened in 1994 when I was 16 and continued on until I was 20 when I had enough. It left an indelible mark on my psyche. The confusion and self-doubt I felt nearly destroyed me. Before I went into therapy I was just a despondent adolescent. Therapy messed me up. My depression increased and so did my anger. I began to lose hope and change. It showed in uncharacteristic behaviors. I began to dislike myself all because of the therapy and what those people were telling me. Eventually, I tried to take my life when I was 20. After that I vowed to never let anyone influence me again and I quit therapy.
I knew the abuse never happened. They were suggesting and looking for it. A few of my family members were accused. It was a ****ing mess. If this is what happened to me I would have remembered it all along. It would have been there in my mind hidden but accessible.
I regret this experience, not because I was hurt, but that I went along with it even though I doubted it. Accusing family members was the greatest sin I have ever committed, one that I cannot take back or undo no matter how many times I apologize.
|