Hello,

I'm so glad I'm not the only one, and thank you all for your comments. Sometimes you begin feeling so alone and closed in your problem, that you can't really see past them.

The problem that I have with the bigger decisions is that deep down I know that they should "feel right", but nothing quite does. The reason I feel this way is not because I've read it somewhere, but because I do remember being interested, I do remember looking forward to things, I do remember being passionate about things. I often get this feeling of sadness that I no longer have any of it. I look at other passionate, driven people, and I feel even sadder feeling I have lost it somewhere along the way. Yet, I know that I ended up in this state as a result of inaction having been unsatisfied for a long time, and instead of taking action (when I was still interested), I kept analyzing and re-analyzing while agonizing about the time slipping away, feeling anxiety and submitting to addiction to escape.

So staying in status quo while feeling that the time is running away is causing me anxiety. While to change, I feel that something needs to feel right, and nothing does, and so there I go again...

Another feeling that I often get is that of not fitting in this world in whatever situations I can imagine. I feel distanced. Everything scares me somehow. And I often feel disconnected from it all. I think it might be partly as a result of the addiction. By the way my go-to thing has been sex without any feelings. I know it's an addiction because I do it not because I meet someone and I like them, but rather compulsively/on purpose; the other reason I know it's an addiction is because it's sometimes so powerful that even though I know I shouldn't do it and that I'm going to not feel that great afterwards, I still do.

This brain, it's so frustrating how it works! I think it's almost worse when you realize what's wrong and the patterns, and yet don't have the power to control/change things. At least not soon enough.