This week, I was supposed to be at summer camp.

People raised a thousand dollars for me to be there.

I had such bad anxiety I had to get picked up by my parents.

All the money was wasted.

My parents told me they were going to take me to a mental health center.

FINALLY, I thought, they realize my problems are real!

But I'm here at home and everything is hell. They still don't get it. My mom thinks I'm okay. She thinks it's an on and off thing. She doesn't understand that I'm NEVER okay. Suicide is always in the back of my mind.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to explain all of my fears to her.

My grandmother told my mom a lie that I drive around our town with older guys when I hang out with my friends. I DON'T DO THAT. So now I'm grounded for the rest of the summer.

I thought if I came home I would finally get therapy. Finally. It's not a priority to my parents. My dad said that "his butt has more anxiety and depression than I do." It's just one big joke to them.

Every time I think that I'm a little okay, I fall right back down again.

I finally thought I could get help. Soon. That I'd finally be on my way to recovery but no.

The place in my town only has hours 8 A.M. to 4 P.M., weekdays only.

My mom is ill and can't drive, she has SUDEP. Which means Sudden Death from Epilepsy. She could die at any moment. It's very hard to go through. She thinks I don't care about her because I have my own problems. Because she doesn't think mine are real. And I could cry and scream and beg her to make me an appointment and she doesn't think it's real.

The only days I would ever be able to go are on Mondays and Tuesdays because my older sister can drive and those are the only days she's off work.

Next Monday, my older sister has to get a shot, and then we have to bring the dog to the vet.

Next Tuesday, I highly doubt I'll be able to.

I just don't know if I can hold on that long. It's urgent. I need help. I can't wait around.

I need help now. And I don't know what the hell to do because they're not going to understand it. So I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out.

I love my parents so much and it tears me apart that they don't see my pain.

I don't know how to cope.

I read, but reading gives me more intrusive thoughts and worsens my anxiety.

I write, but I always get suicidal because I get more bad thoughts when I write.

I make bracelets but that get's repetitive and boring and I have too much time to think.

I play guitar, but again, the thoughts don't go away or I get yelled at for being loud and have to turn it off.

I used to ride my bike but my dad has the key to the garage and my bike is locked in there.

Now I've wasted kind people's $1,200 dollars... and I'm stuck here.

I'm becoming so numb.

And I don't know what to do until I can finally, FINALLY, talk to somebody.

My parents don't even know about my sexual abuse. They don't know anything about my problems. They just think I'm scared of new places and new people and don't like adjusting. They just think I'm sad over a boy or that "the internet is doing this to me."

I don't know how to get their attention and show them how real this is. I want to cut myself so they can SEE the pain but I know that's a dumb idea.

I just...

I'm sorry for ranting. I just needed a place to release all of this.