earlier this year I pulled myself together, got a job to get money, had two exams to raise my points and aplyed to university.... later I realised I wouldn't get into what I really wanted, but the second option was also good. and now I did succeed with it
I'm going to be a sociology major.
yet somehow I'm still anxious, lost and I feel chaotic... even though I have a list for my next moves in order to move out with first and second plans ect....
I tend to depresonalise myself in stressful situations... and they're taking hold on me. It was extremely helpful for me to escape into imaginations when I was few days away from an exam which was very important and therefor very stressful for me... but after I did it - and did both of them above exeption! - I was still in them, stuck in them and hoplesly comparing the two realities... which ended resulted in a very odd feeling in the place where I had to feel relief or happyness....
this still aplies. I can explain it by... I don't know. maybe I know if I started this before I could be something more exiting... like a chemist or mathematician.... but those are still achieveable in the later future - if for any reason to train my brain to an extreme thinking pattern which is than very-very useful in any other situaion.... - but....
I don't know. maybe I'm just fed up with the unexected amount of stress on this (after all my oportunity to start over was depended on this!) or... I did overthink even though that overthinking helped me to come up with these very helpful plans to achieve things....?
or maybe I'm just at the first step of a long journey of learning to live with my oddities....? if so I'm still very far away.
it is so... undescribeable.....untouchable feeling of dread. of strugleing... of "what now? " is it just because I got used to chaos and strugles and uncertanity and my brain just don't know yet how to deal with succes?
anyways I'm sitting here.... tired and anxious and not feeling anything else for my succes than "okay."