We need other humans and touch is required for life and sex is supposed to be pleasurable. That's how we're put together, how our "animal" parts work. Don't get your head and heart in there! You see the difficulties you have now from relations 30+ years ago; that is not right! Nothing about those relations can be your fault, you were too young. Nothing about the difficulties you have now are "enjoyable" are they?

Our body has sex dreams from teen years up and they are usually enjoyable because sex is supposed to be enjoyable. These dreams now just happen to have "kidnappers" in them. Being kidnapped is not enjoyable. Separate it out the same way.