Oh hey court ordered psychiatrists and attempted stabbing! That's my mother! Anyway...

It took me a while to understand I had a bad childhood. In the moment, and even some what now I didn't see it as bad. I was as completely detached from it in the moment as I am now.

My mother in my childhood had warped thinking. She is probably a borderline, dependent bipolar mix. Wooo was she a mess when she wasn't medicated...she would start fights with my father multiple times a week that would last for hours on end. There were cops at my house at least once a month for some BS. I hate cops till this day. I hate them because they would drag me into their ******** and try to interview me when I didn't care. A cop when impose their narcissistic need for control even on a child. I hate that tone they use...shut the **** up you're here because you could barely pass high school. my parents fights never bothered me. Sometimes I would egg them on because I found them entertaining. sometimes i'd egg them on because if I took my moms side she would buy me things (always wrong though)
she taught me to view the world in dollar signs. and thats what I do. I'm really good at it

Anyways my mother socially isolated me. And my father joined in. The TV was my only friend. I wasn't really allowed to do anything...and that was until I left for school. I would ask for a playdate and my mother would push it a week and more and it would never happen. They never played with me either. I was horribly attention deprived and was an only child on top of that. My mother trained me to be selfish and to have no empathy for others. My parents are both empathetic people but my mother in her mentally ill state missed a big window on me.

I would always get in trouble at school. I went to a behavioral preschool and the school told my parents to take me to a neurologist. That was probably 4 or 5. Diagnosed me with some crap, offered my mom medication. She said no. I saw school psychologists, social workers and got put into management groups. I got held back one year because I spent the entire year in the principals office... I faintly remember any of this.
I was bullied relentlessly. I barely remember it
To pass the time because I had no friends I did various activities. some not so nice. some really not that legal

Then I got a brother. I wanted him dead from the moment I found out about him. I still want him dead. He was subject to a lot of my abuse when we were kids. some where my brothers psychologist is painting me as a monster of a person. So be it. He's a borderline/bipolar like my mother. was born ****ed. I don't think I did much to be honest. My parents will tell you that behaviorally I'm their way better child but he has a big, big heart.
i tell my mother often he's going to do it one day and she looks at me with a blank gaze as if she knows

Dad tried to kill himself when I was 10 or so. I watched him try it but he didn't see me. This is what got me committed the first time I think. because I told this without even blinking an eye.
Mom went on medication. I mellowed out too but many people in my life started expressing concern that I was very cold, heartless and just wasn't there in general. I was completely fine until I was hospitalized in my late teens for an incident with alcohol. i got in a bad funk I suppose you could call it...I don't really remember it. I was in college at the time and it went down hill from there. got in trouble for harassing a few professors. almost flunked out
forced therapy for harassment etc etc

and well that's all I got. long enough. I started working to understand myself because I honestly got tired of people forcing me to get help