I am only 15 and my whole life I've been very shy. I can't stand even killing a little bug. I don't have urges to hit people. In fact, if someone goes to hit me or chases me, I completely lock up.

But sometimes very scary thoughts latch onto me and don't go away no matter how hard I try to not think about it. I end up thinking about it more and more.

I haven't gone to a therapist about this yet. I called this mental health center for the first time today.... they said they'll put me "on the list." I won't be in there for WEEKS. I don't know how I'll survive. I started crying on the phone when the lady said that and she asked if I was okay and I said yeah. She sounded like she didn't really care anyway.

So a thought that creeped up on me about a month ago is the fear of becoming a murderer. This happened when I was watching a movie about a psychopath. So I started thinking "Am I THAT far gone? Am I crazy?" Then it branched into other things, "Am I a cannibal? Am I gay? Am I a pedophile? Am I a vampire? Am I a robot?"

The two biggest thoughts that have never left me alone are:

The fear of falling in love with everyone/everything I come in contact with... Anything and everything. I see a person and I get so very terrified I'm going to fall in love with them. A baby, an old man, a co-worker, a family member. Also, my pets, objects, my future children.... everything.

I can never fully push it away. It is very tormenting, but number one on my list of terrifying thoughts is:

The fear of becoming a murderer. I'm so terrified of that. I break down because of it all the time. I'm scared I'm a psychopath. I'm scared I'm crazy. I'm scared I'm insane. I'm scared that I'm going to become a criminal and end up in jail forever.

It's on my mind 24/7.

I'm reading a book, and there was a murderer/rapist in it. It was in his point of view. He was talking about how he was going to start planning the murder. Then I thought about how much I love planning out my day or planning out a meal. So now I'm terrified and convinced.

I really really want to read the book because it's such a good series but it's triggering panic.

Should I continue reading?

I really want these thoughts to leave me alone, I want to feel normal. I'm scared if I tell someone they'll think I'm a murderer. No! I'm just a little girl who's so damn lost in her own mind.

Another thing that triggered these thoughts was this:
I was watching the news with my family. There was a story about a school shooting. The boy had pre-meditated the massacre for years. He said that the reason he did it was because he was mentally ill.

That suck with me and haunts me.

If I can't get rid of these thoughts, my only option is to end my own life.