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Originally Posted by outcast90
Oh, thank you  I'm very happy that you read and replied me because I cannot talk to anyone else here. There is no counceling center. No, she can't love me unconditionally. I have to find a boyfriend to make her happy, and I know it's not fair.  But it's not important to her. She went to the psychiatrist, and instead of trying to convince her that she cannot just say she'll commit a suicide because something isn't as she would like, he told her that he doesn't believe LGBT people exist, and that she should believe me again because it was probably my revenge to her.(?!) I really know that she isn't happy, and I understand her, we don't have enough money, she is always home, lonely. She has her ideas of life for me. She always asks why, why, why me, when all the girls have boyfriends. She says I'm the one to blame for I lied about something in my own life, for falling in love with a girl, that she is the one who suffers.... I don't want her suicide, or her to go mad, I wouldn't be able to live with that. So I'll commit it if I can't live this way, with everyday threats, she will go mad, she will kill herself, she will talk to the girl's parents, she will, she will... . It looks like my life is becoming a lie. Dad also doesn't understand that love. But when we finish conversation, he doesn't ask me about that, he never said he would kill himself. And she is a detective. It would be really horrible if people found out. They are conservative here, stiff and superficial. And I, being their only child, can't destroy them. Feeling lost. Thank you again for your support... |
Hello Outcast: I'm so sorry to read of your predicament. I'll tell you, I'm an old person now. I'm biologically male. But I've always felt, "on the inside" as though I should have been / wanted to be female. However, I never transitioned. I'm married & I've lived a mostly typical male life in the U.S.
As you are, I was also an only child. And my mother in particular clung to me as though I was the only thing in her life that mattered. I never divulged my transsexuality to my parents. (My parents are both deceased now.) Part of the reason for this was because, for a long time, I didn't really understand myself either. So how could I have explained it to them? But regardless of that, I moved far away from them at the first opportunity once I was an adult. I just couldn't tolerate having them control my every movement. We visited back-&-forth a few times. But I never moved back to where they lived.
I will tell you that I do regret what happened between myself & my parents. But I also know that I could not have continued to live under their thumbs. And, also, I was in my 50's by the time they were both gone. Now I'm in my 60's. So I've already had 10+ years since they both died. And I'll probably have another 10 years or who knows... maybe more. These are years when I would have been without them regardless of whether or not I had stayed with my parents or not.
Typically, children outlive their parents. I don't know how old your mother is. But, at 23, you clearly have allot of years ahead of you, if you choose life. Yes, you can try to commit suicide. I've done that because I didn't think I could live with my unexpressed transsexuality any longer. So I know what suicide is about too; and I'll tell you it's not as easy as people think.
I will also tell you though, you have a right to live your life, your way. And ultimately you cannot be responsible for your parents. You are a separate, independent human being. And you have a right to live your own life as you see fit, without being held hostage as a result of suicidal threats from your mother.
Now having said all of that, I will also say, before you decide to go off with this young woman you've fallen for, I would recommend that you try to make as sure as possible this is really what both of you want. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you may need to emigrate from your home country in order for the two of you to be together. That's a BIG step!
One other thing I will mention is, from my experience, a person's gender identity and sexual orientation do not change. So if your sexual orientation is toward other females and not males at this time, it's not going to change as you get older. And so, should you find a boyfriend in order to please your parents, and then possibly even marry, you will likely be very unhappy. This is the problem that led me to attempt suicide. That is: trying to live as a man in a heterosexual marriage while, on the inside, I felt myself to be a woman. I have a wonderful wife who loves me endlessly. We have a nice home in a pleasant community. There's nothing about my life that should drive me to suicide. It is only my transsexuality that has been the cause of it. If one is transsexual, one is trans for life. It doesn't go away. The same is true for sexual orientation. If your sexual orientation is truly toward women, it's not going to change either because you get older or because you marry, or whatever.
Life is a series of choices and compromises. Some of them are tough. The one you're struggling with now is one of the really tough ones. I don't envy you, Outcast. But, still, I want to encourage you in the strongest possible terms to choose life; and to live the life YOU want to live, not a life you've been forced into by threats and intimidation. Yes, as you age, you may have regrets over your parents. I have regrets over mine. But I also know what I did had to be done. That's just the way life is. Please choose life!!!
