My normal level of depression is as you explain, incapable of sadness. I had a serious crisis in April which led to intensified depression. During late May I suffered a concussion due to my sleep aid causing me to faint into a hard floor and also a door frame (eight stitches). The two weeks after the concussion I had less than seventy hours of sleep, increasingly poor memory, and was entering psychosis.

Yet, also during that time I experienced emotions so terrible that I truly cannot convey them with any accuracy in writing. Just the memory of them, the life experiences that they were produced by, disturbs my normally cool unfeeling depressive state. It was terrible, awful; it was emotionally violent in every part of my mind, and yet I relish it. Feeling, even just feeling terrible like that, I am nearly envious of because it is pain that has meaning, purpose, and can be used to understand oneself. Now, medicated and with sleep I have meaningless depression and some part of me thinks I should be sad that this is the case.