You deserve treatment, you deserve to find peace with your own self, stop blame you, it is an illness and I don't care what the "system" are telling you about qualify or not, you are depress and have to be a way to find a doctor that allow you in your country to get all the treatments you deserve.

It is not easy, we all know that, and is not easy to write what you wrote in your Thread here, I am proud of you for doing so ...

And about the need to lie to yourself, well seems to me that is more like you created your own fantasy to get through the hard times, depression hurts and hurts badly.

You don't need to make things out to people to like you, if they can't like you when you are sad, worry and depress, well they are not your friends, why bother with them then?

You can take care of yourself, you can work, you own a house, you know how to be safe, that says a lot about how you are coping with your depression. It's not making any better, that I know, but says a lot about you!

You are not alone, keep being yourself, I am in pain too, I am depress too, and I understand you, just don't lie to the ones that care about you, online or in RL. And if you lie, a white lie to then, just to cope with your pain, well you know what you are doing, and if that fantasy you tell makes you a little better ... whom am I to say anything to you, all I wish for you is to keep coping and learn that this is not your fault.

We are here to share, and you have been helping me and others, that's also say a lot about you, am glad you are here, am glad you put in words how you was feeling the day you posted this thread.

Hopefully, life will get better for the too of us. For all of us ...
Hugs,

Alexia