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pinksoil said:
Internalize... that is the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of.

I cannot internalize him, not even for a second.

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It's interesting to hear a number of people say this is difficult. And interesting too, pinksoil, that it is not just a problem with your T but with others, such as your husband. It made me wonder if the difficulty internalizing a person is a general feature of one's personality, or if it is specific to T's? You know, like a phase many people go through in therapy? From what you wrote, pinksoil, it sounds like you do this with more than one person, so it is not just a therapy thing. How about for other people here?

I remember in the early phase of my therapy with T, I did have some trouble internalizing him. I had trouble remembering what he looked like from one session to the next, and was always reassured at that moment before each session when he would pop his head out the door into the waiting room and tell me he'd be with me in just a minute. It was such a relief to see him again and remember what he looked like. And I would replay his phone messages over and over again to remember his voice. I also googled his name on the Internet and found a number of photos of him, and I found it really helpful to look at these occasionally (understatement!) to remember what he looked like and to feel close to him. (Sheeesh, I hope that doesn't sound too stalkerish!) Now, in a later stage of therapy, I am able to remember his appearance and voice much better. I think I have "internalized" him. Every night when I go to bed, right after I turn out the light, I think of him and the feeling of warmth when I am with him in session. It is very reassuring and soothing and helps me fall asleep. I look forward to this moment each night. I guess maybe it sounds obsessive, but it feels very healing to me.