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Originally Posted by hope2010
You deserve treatment, you deserve to find peace with your own self, stop blame you, it is an illness and I don't care what the "system" are telling you about qualify or not, you are depress and have to be a way to find a doctor that allow you in your country to get all the treatments you deserve.
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I'm still waiting for therapy, I was told the wait would be 10 to 12 weeks, it is 14 weeks now. There's not much I can do but be patient.
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And about the need to lie to yourself, well seems to me that is more like you created your own fantasy to get through the hard times, depression hurts and hurts badly.
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I was being hard on myself, things have moved on since I first started this thread, reading it back now I had no idea just how unforgiving I was being. I miss being able to fantasise, I don't know quite when it stopped, it was a pleasant distraction for so many years. Yes, I sometimes got a little confused between my fantasy and real life - so what? I'm glad I can say that now. There's no harm in wanting to make people feel nice and if a small story from me did that, then it's no big deal. So I forgive myself for not being honest 100% of the time. I'm not a cheat and I don't set out to hurt people, I'm not intentionally cruel and I only want to make people happy. I will try harder not to fall back into this habit though, it is a weakness, a character defect and I need to learn to live as The Original Me and not the fantasy version.
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We are here to share, and you have been helping me and others, that's also say a lot about you, am glad you are here, am glad you put in words how you was feeling the day you posted this thread.
Hopefully, life will get better for the too of us. For all of us ...
Hugs,
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Life has changed since the day I started this thread, I know I'm getting better, I have another new med and so far - so good. Progress is slow, and I am still waiting for therapy. The trouble is that the better I get, the less motivated I'll be to work at therapy and re-reading my original post I see that I have a lot of issues to unravel and resolve. The risk for me now is that I'll develop another disfunctional coping technique. Still, disfunctional or not, I've survived this long and my family seem to love me and I have some great new friends here.
Thank you, and I wish that we all enjoy happier days soon.