I've been where you are and hospitalized for 2 attempts. What I finally realized was I don't really want to die, I just want the pain to go away. That sounds like where you are.

Find a good trauma therapist; your life really does depend on it. Go online and find out what mental health facilities are available in your area or call a Crisis Line to find out. They can be very helpful. If you're really overwhelmed go to an ER.

I'm glad you came to PC because this is an excellent forum that has helped me tremendously. Keep posting and asking questions here for support if that's all you can muster right now.

Don't give up chor0nzon, you're not alone.