So I have been trying to put into words how I have been feeling, and been proving to be very difficult but I think I have somewhat of a grasp on it. I have been feeling quite apathetic about myself and my health, but I still care a lot about some close family and a couple friends and potential boyfriend I've met. But I know in order to maintain healthy relationships with people its helpful to also take care of ones-self and care about your wellbeing....I mean on the surface yeah I am trying to eat healthier, but more just to attempt ot lessen my digestive discomfort/lack of appetite and constantly being borderline underweight or moderately underweight issues so I don't feel hungry all the time...not because I am really thinking about 'this will help me live a more full-filling life'

There are also some issues in the world I care deeply about or am disturbed and or noticeably affected by...not that i really do much about those things, not sure what to do about that stuff....no one seems to take activism of any kind very seriously and I have terrible social skills and executive functioning difficulties so I don't know how to organize anything.

Its also strange since I get panic attacks, and sometiems PTSD related flashback incidents where I feel like reliving what happened or bits of it...or get afraid something simular is about to take place...and pretty sure I'd surrender my wallet if someone robbed me at gun point or something....yet then I also have been having suicidal ideation and feelings of wondering what the point is and whether or not I should off myself..no immediate plans but the concepts been floating around in my head.