sigh. i know echoes, i'm just in a grumpy mood. when i said he can't win i really meant that... if he says he thinks of me often then i'll worry he is burning out... is he says he leads a busy and varied life then i'll worry he doesn't give a %#@&#! about me. he can't win. i need to be mad at him 'cause he left me. i know he didn't leave me, i can email him and hes coming back but my dad left me and its not safe to be mad with my dad so i'll get mad at t instead...

so... he can't win 'cause i need to be mad...

and 'cause i worry i tend to deskill people so i guess i'll give him a little taste of that and lets see how he goes (if he can't handle me needing to be mad with him then how the hell is he going to cope when the REAL feelings come out?)

i just... i told him i was going away over the weekend so he didn't need to email me back... that it was ok for him to take as long as he needed to email be back... that it was important to me that he do that so the emails don't become overwhelming...

so now he is doing just that (and their wasn't an email for me when i returned) i'm going to pack a wobbly about that instead - ok?

sigh.

i wish i didn't do this... i wish i didn't have to do this... but i don't know how. i'm cringing about the last email i sent (i think it was enigmatic and he won't know what on earth it means in fact i'm really not sure what it means myself). i think it sounds like 'all the stuff you have been doing you really don't need to do any of it'. so... what is he supposed to do in response to that?

we will see if he sees that i just need to be mad at him and contrary and infuriating and confusing right now...

i tried to be direct but sometimes... rather surprisingly... directness really isn't my strength.