I can't connect with anyone.

Anyone I try to talk to it just doesn't seem to work. I don't feel like a person. I can't answer most questions. If I do answer questions they end up vague without meaning because I have no real identity. Never had an identity.

Though, I guess it comes from life-long anxiety and avoidance of others. So it's no surprise I can't seem to connect. I don't really enjoy being alive. Everything is numb yet I have this constant feeling of wanting to cry yet being unable to cry.

Everyone just seems like simple dumb animals. Not that they seem to be but they ARE simple dumb animals. Predictable and easy to see through. Spouting the same lines over and over again. I ask the questions and get the excepted answers.

I've been physically isolated from others for over 3 years now. Mentally for probably my entire life. Always alone. Though I was alone because I lack social skills. Yet people think they have the audacity to compare themselves to me?

I cringe up when I talk about myself and people try to say they can relate.

This anxiety and loneliness never seems to go away. I can't beat the loneliness while the anxiety still lingers. Though I can't beat the anxiety when just leaving the house is a task. Agoraphobia. I can't beat the agoraphobia if I am constantly trying to stay awake cause I get tired just being awake for a few hours. Yet I can't do anything if I am retarded.

It's simple as that.

My problem is that I am just not that smart.

It's not about fear. It's not about laziness.

I~
am~
not~
smart.

"Oh but look at your writing skills! How can you be dumb if you can write fluent English!?"

It's such a comment I receive but just because I am okay at typing up sentences doesn't make me smart. Doing basic things seems like a challenge. Have I just been depressed my entire life? Maybe. Though maybe I just wasn't that smart to begin with. I feel like I can't do stuff. I am lacking the mental fortitude to do stuff. I feel like I am lacking something in my head. Just like this void. It is such an irritating void. My brain feels like it's twisting and turning.

I literally feel like there is an emptiness.

Yet people here will tell me I AM smart! A lot of people seem to say they are dumb. Though more thrown out there as a non-serious comment.

I AM ACTUALLY STUPID.

I can't do basic things. Though I thought it was just the fact that I am poor at socializing and can't find the words a lot of the time. I always knew in the back of my mind that even if I were to become good at socializing I would still fail. I am just not that smart.

Everything feels like a daunting task.

I can't even feel bothered to explain myself anymore. I hate being alive.

Just a rant. I guess. With no clear direction.

People will probably try to tell me that the idea of me thinking I am stupid is just the depression talking.