I can so relate to your words. I live with very much the same feelings. But I would like to point something out....that is huge! You are up and functioning!!! That is such a major accomplishment when we live with depression daily.
I was out of work for 3 months due to my depression and with lots of therapy and medication my pdoc got me back to work. I was scared to death to take this step but even more scared to remain where I was at.
I have a wonderful pdoc (also my therapist) that offered to come to work with me and walk me through the doors.....I also have major panic that I deal with, but I was able to walk in on my own two feet. Never thought I could do this. I have been back to work now for over a year and I can never let myself forget this major accomplishment--functioning. I am no way near feeling content. I still have depression and panic. It stops me from doing so many things. I look out my window and see people living their lives as if it were nothing-I would give anything to be able to freely go about my day. It takes tremendous strength and self convincing to go out my door each day--but at least I am doing it. Sounds like you are able to achieve this also. Do not forget the work it takes for you to simply function. You should pat yourself on the back each day you do this. Eventually, I am counting on this, through just showing up for life, perhaps happier times will come and I can get out of this dark prison I feel like I am in. Right actions bring about right thoughts.....that is my mantra. And I will keep up the good fight until I need.
I wish this for you. You should praise yourself for just functioning daily. That is a huge deal when we feel the way we do.
I know it feels horrible still, but hang in there. You are doing something so great just by functioning daily. Depression is paralyzing. You have attacked a big hurdle. Don't underestimate your strength.
Sorry to go on and on about this, but I so often forget what it took for me to get out my door each day and what a huge deal it was. The fact that I was able to do it is a big reminder to me that I am ready for more steps to freedom and escape this awful nightmare.
There are some days I just can't do it....today happens to be a better day.
Many days I would not even be able to write a positive message here. I re-read my words now and can't believe it is I saying this. This is miraculous for me. Progess.
I wish the same for you.
Peace.