Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneC
I do not know what has happened exactly, but I seem to have shrunk back in to myself and am stuck on the verge of feeling something...but nothing will come.
I have pulled back from my therapist, and actually feel like having a break from therapy. I told him this last week, he looked surprised, then wanted to figure out why. I am not sure why.
It seems like I am defending myself from something, but I am not sure what. I got to feeling close to my T a couple weeks ago, trust really developing, so not sure why I feel like pulling back now. We talked about doing more dedicated skills work, maybe a workbook, some diary work etc so that I can be ready for looking at the memories. Trauma work, which I want to get done with. I need this all to be done.
So I don't know why I am this way right now....stuck
I feel........vaguely on the verge of annoyance all the time, the occasional flash of the beginning of some other emotion.........then just blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nothing! I can't figure this out, and it is not pleasant!
Anyone else experience this? It is really bothering me to not really feel any specific emotions. I want to feel, I want to get through this and feel what I need to, to be done with it all.
Blergh!
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I could have written this only I didn't tell my therapist I'm considering a break. I figure it's none of her business. Yes, I know, I'm a mess.
I'm tired of the little flashes and then nothing as well but I'm not sure I want to feel it all. I just want to be done! I think that is because the first little flash I had was negative and I thought I found peace with those emotions but nooooo~ they matured without my knowledge. It might not make sense but perhaps a part of you understands that it won't be as easy accepting as it is wanting.
I'm assuming based on my own line of thinking but it seems to me that taking a break is self destructive behavior. If I step back~ that means I get to go back and start over. Maintaining a connection doesn't always work when we distance ourselves from our emotions. If I take a break from therapy than I don't have to worry about "breaking."
If I could break without my therapist ~ I would because I don't like to share but that was my training. Not to mention~ I don't think I can handle it. I'm well aware of my battles within.
I hope you stick with therapy~ I know it's frustrating but take it from someone who has had decades of holding back that dam of emotions~ it's not going anywhere.
I hope you fight your resistance ~ for you as well as your son.