Still waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist.

I go from being ridiculously low wanting to kill myself, planning it and not even being able to function and getting insanely angry at nothing. Here I have no confidence, no self worth and no ambition. I sometimes self harm in many different ways though this is very rare as I have weened myself off it for almost 2 years now. I can stay here from hours to weeks to months.

Then I get to the high stage where I find everything funny, I feel I can do anything, I can laugh again, I can joke. I can make impressions of the t.v and function.

Then to the in between stage. Here I can find things funny and appear normal, but still have thoughts on wanting to kill myself. I still think that the world is better off without me, I don't have no motivation, I have a small amount. This allows me to get around. I can get a wash but not go as far as getting myself ready.

My depressive stage is defiantly the one that stays the longest. I'm not sure what is happening to me. Or why I haven't been given diagnosis in the previous 9 years that I have been suffering. It is driving me crazy having to wait when I know it could be so close. I just go in circles.

I have no way of managing it. My anti depressants don't work and the GP won't do anything about that as I am seeing a psychiatrist soon and they will be changing my medication.

I feel like such a lost cause. I am off work but have to go back on Friday, though I know I will manage for a week or two and then it will cause me troubles again.

I'm not sure of the point of this post, I am struggling