> What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T?

Sometimes I feel connected when he seems to understand what I'm saying. He offers an analogy or something and I see that he really does understand what I'm saying. Or sometimes I feel connected when he mirrors my emotional state (my sense of excitement or enthusiasm) or compliments it (when he is reassuring).

But mostly... I guess I prevent / interrupt that feeling of connection because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to look at him. Mostly because I'm afraid he won't be able to conceal disgust / aversion. I feel annoyed when he attempts to communicate understanding because I feel like he is interrupting me. I feel annoyed when he attempts to soothe me for the same reason. I guess it is about my being afraid that if I feel safe and secure in his presence then he will do something (a look of disapproval or revulsion) and I will just die. I'll shatter into a million pieces or something. I'm afraid that I'll be needy and dependent and that will revolt him. I guard against connection so I am better able to control myself. To present as calm and competent and in control. So he isn't repulsed by the confusion of emotional intensities inside me...

> How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

Quite a while. Because I've had such a lack of sleep it really hits me afterwards. I've taken to (blush) going back home to try and catch up on a few hours so I'm up and at 'em for Friday afternoon / evening social activities. So I go home and go to bed... But of course I ruminate on the session and don't really get much sleep. But sometimes I'm completely exhausted and I'm out like a light. I think of him every day (how embarrassing is that). He has no idea... And... Well... I can't see my telling him anytime soon. Maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too sick for therapy... Or maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too well for therapy... I just feel traumatised right now. There isn't anything he can do... I don't know what to say.