I think this is where I am. Far too focused on on the job of 'fixing' myself and not living life. I have a life, for what it is worth, and it has been neglected maybe?

Johnny, your words are kind about me and I thank you. But I just don't see myself in the same way. How is a negative, self absorbed, whiny, needy woman "awesome"? Yep, my self image needs work too.

I am frustrated that 18 months later I am not actively working on the trauma....even though my T tells me that everything we have done until this point is exactly that anyway.

Parley, I wonder about the "self destructive" part you mentioned. I have a tendency to self punish in ways I am often not aware of. My T has mentioned it on occasion. I did tell him last week that maybe I have not suffered enough to deserve to be in therapy at all and just need to get on with things. Apparently that is one of my invalidating patterns. ugh!

I need a break, most definately, to the routine that therapy has become. I won't give up, it is not in my nature to give up on something important. But something needs to change.

I'm going to call a friend for coffee, then get out into my vege garden later and finally get some winter veges planted. It has been neglected also. Maybe the dirt will take away some of the blaaaaaaaaaaah.